I wish Dave Winer hadn’t brought Maryam’s personal conversations with him out into public sphere, but now that he has, what she was hurt about the most about how Dave dealt with her is that Dave didn’t react as a friend to her — it wasn’t just about what was written on his blog either. She is calm about the issue now and has written about the week of anger, but not the conversation with Dave (she hasn’t yet seen Dave’s post this morning, I wanted to write from the heart before she saw it).
When someone calls you, and is hurt, and is a friend your first impulse should be “how can I help?” When she called Dave she called as a friend, not as a blogger.
Dave reacted to her as a blogger instead of as a friend and now Dave took an emotional conversation (she was crying and VERY hurt by what had been said about her) done over phone into the public sphere.
Also, when she first called Dave he didn’t have up some of the other explanations of what had happened, nor the explanations that he had been personally attacked by this mob for quite some time, only this line: “On this one, I take the side of the mean kids, because no one else is, and I have a soft spot for people who are being attacked by a mob, no matter how pathetic they are.”
That made Maryam believe that Dave was taking sides and she didn’t care about the nuance of the civics lesson that Dave was giving her at that time. Keep in mind Maryam sees Dave as a friend (he’s been over here, eaten at the house, spent lots of time with us, etc).
Dave’s thoughts publicly are good ones — trying to calm down the mob — but the way he went about it at first did cause his friends who were dealing with a world of hurt conflict and didn’t come across as a listening ear. He told Maryam he didn’t care about her, saying that she has tons of other people who would worry about her feelings. Now he took that conversation into the public sphere, which makes it very difficult for me (I hate being between my wife and my friend in public).
I chose a different path: to take a week off to reflect what had happened and also to listen to other people’s voices and to help my friends (and family) deal.
I’m still hurt by the events, though and Maryam has learned some harsh lessons (including one today with Dave’s post — be careful about talking with friends who have blogs).
Scobleizer 