Seeing Amanda printing Andrew’s email on her blog took me back to when I had arguments, heard bad news, was told off, and/or negotiations via email. They never worked out.
I’d add another thing to that good list: NEVER deliver bad news through email or IM. Always do it face to face, or if you really can’t get to face-to-face then over the phone. Speaking of which, Guy hangs around the VCs so he has an early-warning system, is he sending us a message? Hmmm.
Maryam and I learned this too. We used to do a lot of IM’ing back and forth and I finally blocked her. Why? Cause every discussion turned into a full-blown war. Why? I think it’s cause text just doesn’t have the human touch. She can call me a butthead face-to-face and it usually ends well. Usually with me admitting “yeah, I’m a butthead but I still love you.” Then we cuddle on the couch for a while. But discussing things in IM just made me feel bad and it always seemed to escalate.
The problem with IM or email is you don’t get any of the warm fuzzies. You can’t see the damage your words are causing. And, something far more important: email and IM is permanent. I still have emails from bosses who told me off. I keep those around just to remind myself never to do that to someone else.
Oh, and they can be used against you on blogs and other places far more important (courtrooms, for one).
I remember when people were getting laid off during the .com bust in 2000/2003. We’d get together at Dana Street Coffee in Mountain View and compare notes. I always was amazed when people told me “I learned it through an email.” That just is so cowardly and inhuman. I hope I never hire a jerk like that.
It’s too late to save Amanda and Andrew’s relationship, though, but the first thing if I had known they were fighting was to fly them to somewhere nice and remote where they could go and steam somewhere calming. Hawaii. A beach in Florida. A house in Montana. Something like that. Then have them negotiate their differences face-to-face. If things get heated, have two people take them separately for a drive or a walk down opposite side of the beach. Then try again.
That kind of negotiation always works better than email or IM. It still might not work out, but at least you won’t see your words posted on various blogs.
What do you think, how would you negotiate something tough?
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67 thoughts on “Bad news over email? Never! (And don’t negotiate over email either)”
First off, congratulations on the courage to start something new. I wish you and yours all the success you can handle.
Secondly, I lost someone very dear to me over IM follies, so I sort of wish that I discovered your blog long before I did, and that you posted this entry while I still had the common sense to head it.
Being there in person to deliver bad news at best shows you care about the person and at the least, shows that you have some respect for them as a person, and that you’re not just hiding from the unpleasantness of the news. I find it far to easy to loose site of the personal touch these days. It’s not always easy, but at least to me, it’s always appreciated.
First off, congratulations on the courage to start something new. I wish you and yours all the success you can handle.
Secondly, I lost someone very dear to me over IM follies, so I sort of wish that I discovered your blog long before I did, and that you posted this entry while I still had the common sense to head it.
Being there in person to deliver bad news at best shows you care about the person and at the least, shows that you have some respect for them as a person, and that you’re not just hiding from the unpleasantness of the news. I find it far to easy to loose site of the personal touch these days. It’s not always easy, but at least to me, it’s always appreciated.
It’s often not a good idea to get in the middle and negotiate. You might lose a friend. But if you do, you have to find out what each person wants, and particularly what they really fear. And you have to love them both without any twists in your heart.
It’s often not a good idea to get in the middle and negotiate. You might lose a friend. But if you do, you have to find out what each person wants, and particularly what they really fear. And you have to love them both without any twists in your heart.
Nab: that’s a good point too. There is enough potential money involved here (just the domain name could be sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars) that they should have sought outside help negotiating.
Nab: that’s a good point too. There is enough potential money involved here (just the domain name could be sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars) that they should have sought outside help negotiating.
Bang on, Robert. Public he-said she-said achieves nothing.
Indeed, even on less drastic issues, if I think I’m getting flamed, I pick up the phone right away. I learned years ago on online lists that arguing over email is not just sometimes gutless, it’s way too easy to misjudge the other person and draw the wrong conclusions. As you say, 90% of the communication is lost if there are just words.
So on something as important as a layoff, I find it astounding that there are people out there that would lay off someone by email. On the other hand it’s gotta be a gift to get blown off by someone who’s so poor a manager! It was time for a new job anyhow.
Bang on, Robert. Public he-said she-said achieves nothing.
Indeed, even on less drastic issues, if I think I’m getting flamed, I pick up the phone right away. I learned years ago on online lists that arguing over email is not just sometimes gutless, it’s way too easy to misjudge the other person and draw the wrong conclusions. As you say, 90% of the communication is lost if there are just words.
So on something as important as a layoff, I find it astounding that there are people out there that would lay off someone by email. On the other hand it’s gotta be a gift to get blown off by someone who’s so poor a manager! It was time for a new job anyhow.
It seems like it is probably the most vicious way of doing it, since it is pretty public and gets nasty very quickly. And, it will never be erased from the Internet.
It seems like it is probably the most vicious way of doing it, since it is pretty public and gets nasty very quickly. And, it will never be erased from the Internet.
I would have to disagree with you Robert on this one. I have used IM to mend some fences with my wife after an argument about something not particularly important but yet contentious. What IM allows you to do is choose your words carefully and keep a record of what is said. It certainly has cleared up many mis-understandings that often can spiral out of normal conversational speech aka yelling or raising of the voice, resulting in a He-Said, She-Said yell-fest.
I would have to disagree with you Robert on this one. I have used IM to mend some fences with my wife after an argument about something not particularly important but yet contentious. What IM allows you to do is choose your words carefully and keep a record of what is said. It certainly has cleared up many mis-understandings that often can spiral out of normal conversational speech aka yelling or raising of the voice, resulting in a He-Said, She-Said yell-fest.
When things go sour in a business relationship, the worst thing you can do is let a “tit for tat” dialog start. That’s usually what happens via email, and especially IM. Responding to the response to the response. Each email is fuel to the fire – upping the ante, digging in the heels, countering with an additional grip or want, responding to the most recent insult etc. etc. The dialog itself becomes the argument for dissolution – “see this argument is exactly why our partnership isn’t going to work.”
How do professional arbitrators work? They define the parameters of the discussion (not the issues that will be discussed, but the process itself). Then they define the scope of the issues. If you don’t limit the scope then you have no boundaries. Every negotiation needs boundaries that both parties can agree to. Once the boundaries are crossed by either party, it needs to be noted, and if it threatens to derail the negotiation, then the scope of the negotiation needs to be redetermined and agreed to.
Parties need to set a date and a time to “begin discussions.” There needs to be a time limit. 1 hour, or 8 hours. And there needs to be a clear understanding what will be accomplished. If more than one meeting is necessary, and the issues that need to be solve are clear to all parties, then create a schedule, and assign goals or deal points to each meeting. Sometimes, its better to leave the most difficult issues to the last – coming to agreement on the small things can establish a constructive pattern for negotiation of the big issues.
And finally, the parties need to come with a clear idea of what they want and how much they’re willing to give on each issue. Most of all they need to keep an eye on the big picture. And they need to sit down, face to face, and work it out.
When things go sour in a business relationship, the worst thing you can do is let a “tit for tat” dialog start. That’s usually what happens via email, and especially IM. Responding to the response to the response. Each email is fuel to the fire – upping the ante, digging in the heels, countering with an additional grip or want, responding to the most recent insult etc. etc. The dialog itself becomes the argument for dissolution – “see this argument is exactly why our partnership isn’t going to work.”
How do professional arbitrators work? They define the parameters of the discussion (not the issues that will be discussed, but the process itself). Then they define the scope of the issues. If you don’t limit the scope then you have no boundaries. Every negotiation needs boundaries that both parties can agree to. Once the boundaries are crossed by either party, it needs to be noted, and if it threatens to derail the negotiation, then the scope of the negotiation needs to be redetermined and agreed to.
Parties need to set a date and a time to “begin discussions.” There needs to be a time limit. 1 hour, or 8 hours. And there needs to be a clear understanding what will be accomplished. If more than one meeting is necessary, and the issues that need to be solve are clear to all parties, then create a schedule, and assign goals or deal points to each meeting. Sometimes, its better to leave the most difficult issues to the last – coming to agreement on the small things can establish a constructive pattern for negotiation of the big issues.
And finally, the parties need to come with a clear idea of what they want and how much they’re willing to give on each issue. Most of all they need to keep an eye on the big picture. And they need to sit down, face to face, and work it out.
I agree with you Robert, email is so impersonal. I’ve worked with people who write email that always comes off as snippy, and people who read email – reading intent where none is. As for airing laundry in a public place… no need for it, especially when that public place is the internet, where everything can be and is saved somewhere…
I agree with you Robert, email is so impersonal. I’ve worked with people who write email that always comes off as snippy, and people who read email – reading intent where none is. As for airing laundry in a public place… no need for it, especially when that public place is the internet, where everything can be and is saved somewhere…
As far as I’m concerned, as soon as you bring a disagreement public you’ve pretty much sacrificed any chance of working it out.
This whole Rocketboom thing illustrates that perfectly, but I could cite any number of examples. People *really* don’t like looking foolish in public, and once they’ve publically thrown down the gauntlet, they’re pretty unlikly to take anything back.
This applies even strongly to layoffs. Back in the Web 1.0 boom I found out my company was bankrupt when I saw it on Fucked Company over my breakfast. Even an IM would have been better than that 🙂
As far as I’m concerned, as soon as you bring a disagreement public you’ve pretty much sacrificed any chance of working it out.
This whole Rocketboom thing illustrates that perfectly, but I could cite any number of examples. People *really* don’t like looking foolish in public, and once they’ve publically thrown down the gauntlet, they’re pretty unlikly to take anything back.
This applies even strongly to layoffs. Back in the Web 1.0 boom I found out my company was bankrupt when I saw it on Fucked Company over my breakfast. Even an IM would have been better than that 🙂
Amanda’s tit for tat reply was the thing you write late at night when you are really, really pissed, and then throw out in the morning and come up with something more reasoned. At the very least, she should have written it and then gone out for a 7-11 run or something before sending it. I think it was a major screw up on her part to have that published and out there, but now it is…
Rocketboom could have been sold–hell the domain would have been worth something to google bomb spammers–but now it is a big ugly mess having tarred both sides.
Amanda’s tit for tat reply was the thing you write late at night when you are really, really pissed, and then throw out in the morning and come up with something more reasoned. At the very least, she should have written it and then gone out for a 7-11 run or something before sending it. I think it was a major screw up on her part to have that published and out there, but now it is…
Rocketboom could have been sold–hell the domain would have been worth something to google bomb spammers–but now it is a big ugly mess having tarred both sides.
I’m a newbie blogger [said she pulling on her helmet and pulling down her face shield] but it seems to me that we cannot escape the fact that 75-85% of all human communication is conveyed through facial expression and body language. IMO that’s what emoticons try to remedy but do a very poor job of addressing. Email and other forms of cyber communication are harsh forms of communicating simply because they do not allow for eye contact and exchange of emotions through facial expression and body language.
In any conversation between adult there are rules for civil discourse that most of us respect regardless of the relationships we’re in. Moreover, because we are human we do tend to soften harsh words with eyes, face and body.
Hindsight is frequently accurate. In a situation like the one described the best way to go would have been exactly a face-to-face meeting between the parties with a professional mediator present. One of the first rules of engagement both parties ought to have considered consenting to should have been a publication ban, until the negotiations had come to and end and a conclusion had been reached.
The cyber world is a world where harsh communication is the status quo so I’m considering keeping my helmet on and my face shield down, until the fact that I had the audacity as a newbie, to leave a comment on Robert’s blog becomes very old news. 😀
P.S. Robert please forgive me for submitting twice. I have a visual impairment and I discovered typos much to my chagrin after i clicked submit. Hopefully you’ll be kind enough to delete my first comment and this p.s.
I’m a newbie blogger [said she pulling on her helmet and pulling down her face shield] but it seems to me that we cannot escape the fact that 75-85% of all human communication is conveyed through facial expression and body language. IMO that’s what emoticons try to remedy but do a very poor job of addressing. Email and other forms of cyber communication are harsh forms of communicating simply because they do not allow for eye contact and exchange of emotions through facial expression and body language.
In any conversation between adult there are rules for civil discourse that most of us respect regardless of the relationships we’re in. Moreover, because we are human we do tend to soften harsh words with eyes, face and body.
Hindsight is frequently accurate. In a situation like the one described the best way to go would have been exactly a face-to-face meeting between the parties with a professional mediator present. One of the first rules of engagement both parties ought to have considered consenting to should have been a publication ban, until the negotiations had come to and end and a conclusion had been reached.
The cyber world is a world where harsh communication is the status quo so I’m considering keeping my helmet on and my face shield down, until the fact that I had the audacity as a newbie, to leave a comment on Robert’s blog becomes very old news. 😀
P.S. Robert please forgive me for submitting twice. I have a visual impairment and I discovered typos much to my chagrin after i clicked submit. Hopefully you’ll be kind enough to delete my first comment and this p.s.
As a manager I have been struck with the realization that all of our new recruiters have lived their entire lives having been raised on IM’s, Emails, and text messaging. What I had always thought was common practice was to them, alien: Good news can be delievered via email, but never bad news. Always voice or in-person for bad news.
Its amazing how with some people this simple rule never takes hold. In a business setting, it can be lethal.
In recruiting (as in any business), its the human touch that gets you the hire. Recruiters who rely on email are often far behind the curve compared to the ones who pick up the phone and call.
As a manager I have been struck with the realization that all of our new recruiters have lived their entire lives having been raised on IM’s, Emails, and text messaging. What I had always thought was common practice was to them, alien: Good news can be delievered via email, but never bad news. Always voice or in-person for bad news.
Its amazing how with some people this simple rule never takes hold. In a business setting, it can be lethal.
In recruiting (as in any business), its the human touch that gets you the hire. Recruiters who rely on email are often far behind the curve compared to the ones who pick up the phone and call.
I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
I think that we can all learn a bunch from what is going on now. Whether it be an e-mail we send for business or personal issues. I am trying right now to not be impatient and send out e-mails on my little start up until it is completely figured out. But, I must say it is hard…….
I think that we can all learn a bunch from what is going on now. Whether it be an e-mail we send for business or personal issues. I am trying right now to not be impatient and send out e-mails on my little start up until it is completely figured out. But, I must say it is hard…….
>getting laid off during the .com bust in 2000/2003.
>amazed when people told me “I learned it through an email.”
yeh robert you hit the nail on the head here.
i had this happen and it made it so much worse than it had to be. it kind of destroys your trust in people for a while — makes them seem like inhuman monsters.
bad news is best in person. group decisions also are better made over a phone call (and followed up with a confirming email).
getting right into your blog again! keep up the honesty!
>getting laid off during the .com bust in 2000/2003.
>amazed when people told me “I learned it through an email.”
yeh robert you hit the nail on the head here.
i had this happen and it made it so much worse than it had to be. it kind of destroys your trust in people for a while — makes them seem like inhuman monsters.
bad news is best in person. group decisions also are better made over a phone call (and followed up with a confirming email).
getting right into your blog again! keep up the honesty!
Put your phone number in your email .signature — make it a zero-click task for people to take the conversation to phone if something rubs them the wrong way.
Put your phone number in your email .signature — make it a zero-click task for people to take the conversation to phone if something rubs them the wrong way.
Forget bad news over email. A friend of mine was fired from a large, well-known tech company (along with several hundred others) by SMS text message on a Sunday. How sad is that?
Forget bad news over email. A friend of mine was fired from a large, well-known tech company (along with several hundred others) by SMS text message on a Sunday. How sad is that?
I think it depends on how well people communicate in written communication via email, etc. Of course, if one person tends to get angry in person, they will also get angry by reading an email. If they’re both willing to work things out then even if an email is misunderstood, it can be discussed and worked out until everyone understands. It depends on the person.
I think it depends on how well people communicate in written communication via email, etc. Of course, if one person tends to get angry in person, they will also get angry by reading an email. If they’re both willing to work things out then even if an email is misunderstood, it can be discussed and worked out until everyone understands. It depends on the person.
First off, congratulations on the courage to start something new. I wish you and yours all the success you can handle.
Secondly, I lost someone very dear to me over IM follies, so I sort of wish that I discovered your blog long before I did, and that you posted this entry while I still had the common sense to head it.
Being there in person to deliver bad news at best shows you care about the person and at the least, shows that you have some respect for them as a person, and that you’re not just hiding from the unpleasantness of the news. I find it far to easy to loose site of the personal touch these days. It’s not always easy, but at least to me, it’s always appreciated.
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First off, congratulations on the courage to start something new. I wish you and yours all the success you can handle.
Secondly, I lost someone very dear to me over IM follies, so I sort of wish that I discovered your blog long before I did, and that you posted this entry while I still had the common sense to head it.
Being there in person to deliver bad news at best shows you care about the person and at the least, shows that you have some respect for them as a person, and that you’re not just hiding from the unpleasantness of the news. I find it far to easy to loose site of the personal touch these days. It’s not always easy, but at least to me, it’s always appreciated.
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It’s often not a good idea to get in the middle and negotiate. You might lose a friend. But if you do, you have to find out what each person wants, and particularly what they really fear. And you have to love them both without any twists in your heart.
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It’s often not a good idea to get in the middle and negotiate. You might lose a friend. But if you do, you have to find out what each person wants, and particularly what they really fear. And you have to love them both without any twists in your heart.
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Nab: that’s a good point too. There is enough potential money involved here (just the domain name could be sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars) that they should have sought outside help negotiating.
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Nab: that’s a good point too. There is enough potential money involved here (just the domain name could be sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars) that they should have sought outside help negotiating.
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Bang on, Robert. Public he-said she-said achieves nothing.
Indeed, even on less drastic issues, if I think I’m getting flamed, I pick up the phone right away. I learned years ago on online lists that arguing over email is not just sometimes gutless, it’s way too easy to misjudge the other person and draw the wrong conclusions. As you say, 90% of the communication is lost if there are just words.
So on something as important as a layoff, I find it astounding that there are people out there that would lay off someone by email. On the other hand it’s gotta be a gift to get blown off by someone who’s so poor a manager! It was time for a new job anyhow.
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Bang on, Robert. Public he-said she-said achieves nothing.
Indeed, even on less drastic issues, if I think I’m getting flamed, I pick up the phone right away. I learned years ago on online lists that arguing over email is not just sometimes gutless, it’s way too easy to misjudge the other person and draw the wrong conclusions. As you say, 90% of the communication is lost if there are just words.
So on something as important as a layoff, I find it astounding that there are people out there that would lay off someone by email. On the other hand it’s gotta be a gift to get blown off by someone who’s so poor a manager! It was time for a new job anyhow.
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Umm, that was Chuck’s call log – not his email.
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Umm, that was Chuck’s call log – not his email.
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What about negotiating/sending bad news via Blog?
It seems like it is probably the most vicious way of doing it, since it is pretty public and gets nasty very quickly. And, it will never be erased from the Internet.
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What about negotiating/sending bad news via Blog?
It seems like it is probably the most vicious way of doing it, since it is pretty public and gets nasty very quickly. And, it will never be erased from the Internet.
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I would have to disagree with you Robert on this one. I have used IM to mend some fences with my wife after an argument about something not particularly important but yet contentious. What IM allows you to do is choose your words carefully and keep a record of what is said. It certainly has cleared up many mis-understandings that often can spiral out of normal conversational speech aka yelling or raising of the voice, resulting in a He-Said, She-Said yell-fest.
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I would have to disagree with you Robert on this one. I have used IM to mend some fences with my wife after an argument about something not particularly important but yet contentious. What IM allows you to do is choose your words carefully and keep a record of what is said. It certainly has cleared up many mis-understandings that often can spiral out of normal conversational speech aka yelling or raising of the voice, resulting in a He-Said, She-Said yell-fest.
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Pete: yikes, thanks.
Marcelo: same rules apply!
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Pete: yikes, thanks.
Marcelo: same rules apply!
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Carolus: I can see where it’d help in some situations. I found thta with Maryam and me the opposite was true.
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Carolus: I can see where it’d help in some situations. I found thta with Maryam and me the opposite was true.
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um, just want to point out that it says call log not email log. I don’t own a treo but would that not imply Phone calls, not emails?
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um, just want to point out that it says call log not email log. I don’t own a treo but would that not imply Phone calls, not emails?
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um, just want to point out that it says call log not email log. I don’t own a treo but would that not imply Phone calls, not emails?
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never mind, you edited it already.
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never mind, you edited it already.
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never mind, you edited it already.
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When things go sour in a business relationship, the worst thing you can do is let a “tit for tat” dialog start. That’s usually what happens via email, and especially IM. Responding to the response to the response. Each email is fuel to the fire – upping the ante, digging in the heels, countering with an additional grip or want, responding to the most recent insult etc. etc. The dialog itself becomes the argument for dissolution – “see this argument is exactly why our partnership isn’t going to work.”
How do professional arbitrators work? They define the parameters of the discussion (not the issues that will be discussed, but the process itself). Then they define the scope of the issues. If you don’t limit the scope then you have no boundaries. Every negotiation needs boundaries that both parties can agree to. Once the boundaries are crossed by either party, it needs to be noted, and if it threatens to derail the negotiation, then the scope of the negotiation needs to be redetermined and agreed to.
Parties need to set a date and a time to “begin discussions.” There needs to be a time limit. 1 hour, or 8 hours. And there needs to be a clear understanding what will be accomplished. If more than one meeting is necessary, and the issues that need to be solve are clear to all parties, then create a schedule, and assign goals or deal points to each meeting. Sometimes, its better to leave the most difficult issues to the last – coming to agreement on the small things can establish a constructive pattern for negotiation of the big issues.
And finally, the parties need to come with a clear idea of what they want and how much they’re willing to give on each issue. Most of all they need to keep an eye on the big picture. And they need to sit down, face to face, and work it out.
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When things go sour in a business relationship, the worst thing you can do is let a “tit for tat” dialog start. That’s usually what happens via email, and especially IM. Responding to the response to the response. Each email is fuel to the fire – upping the ante, digging in the heels, countering with an additional grip or want, responding to the most recent insult etc. etc. The dialog itself becomes the argument for dissolution – “see this argument is exactly why our partnership isn’t going to work.”
How do professional arbitrators work? They define the parameters of the discussion (not the issues that will be discussed, but the process itself). Then they define the scope of the issues. If you don’t limit the scope then you have no boundaries. Every negotiation needs boundaries that both parties can agree to. Once the boundaries are crossed by either party, it needs to be noted, and if it threatens to derail the negotiation, then the scope of the negotiation needs to be redetermined and agreed to.
Parties need to set a date and a time to “begin discussions.” There needs to be a time limit. 1 hour, or 8 hours. And there needs to be a clear understanding what will be accomplished. If more than one meeting is necessary, and the issues that need to be solve are clear to all parties, then create a schedule, and assign goals or deal points to each meeting. Sometimes, its better to leave the most difficult issues to the last – coming to agreement on the small things can establish a constructive pattern for negotiation of the big issues.
And finally, the parties need to come with a clear idea of what they want and how much they’re willing to give on each issue. Most of all they need to keep an eye on the big picture. And they need to sit down, face to face, and work it out.
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I agree with you Robert, email is so impersonal. I’ve worked with people who write email that always comes off as snippy, and people who read email – reading intent where none is. As for airing laundry in a public place… no need for it, especially when that public place is the internet, where everything can be and is saved somewhere…
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I agree with you Robert, email is so impersonal. I’ve worked with people who write email that always comes off as snippy, and people who read email – reading intent where none is. As for airing laundry in a public place… no need for it, especially when that public place is the internet, where everything can be and is saved somewhere…
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As far as I’m concerned, as soon as you bring a disagreement public you’ve pretty much sacrificed any chance of working it out.
This whole Rocketboom thing illustrates that perfectly, but I could cite any number of examples. People *really* don’t like looking foolish in public, and once they’ve publically thrown down the gauntlet, they’re pretty unlikly to take anything back.
This applies even strongly to layoffs. Back in the Web 1.0 boom I found out my company was bankrupt when I saw it on Fucked Company over my breakfast. Even an IM would have been better than that 🙂
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As far as I’m concerned, as soon as you bring a disagreement public you’ve pretty much sacrificed any chance of working it out.
This whole Rocketboom thing illustrates that perfectly, but I could cite any number of examples. People *really* don’t like looking foolish in public, and once they’ve publically thrown down the gauntlet, they’re pretty unlikly to take anything back.
This applies even strongly to layoffs. Back in the Web 1.0 boom I found out my company was bankrupt when I saw it on Fucked Company over my breakfast. Even an IM would have been better than that 🙂
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Amanda’s tit for tat reply was the thing you write late at night when you are really, really pissed, and then throw out in the morning and come up with something more reasoned. At the very least, she should have written it and then gone out for a 7-11 run or something before sending it. I think it was a major screw up on her part to have that published and out there, but now it is…
Rocketboom could have been sold–hell the domain would have been worth something to google bomb spammers–but now it is a big ugly mess having tarred both sides.
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Amanda’s tit for tat reply was the thing you write late at night when you are really, really pissed, and then throw out in the morning and come up with something more reasoned. At the very least, she should have written it and then gone out for a 7-11 run or something before sending it. I think it was a major screw up on her part to have that published and out there, but now it is…
Rocketboom could have been sold–hell the domain would have been worth something to google bomb spammers–but now it is a big ugly mess having tarred both sides.
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I’m a newbie blogger [said she pulling on her helmet and pulling down her face shield] but it seems to me that we cannot escape the fact that 75-85% of all human communication is conveyed through facial expression and body language. IMO that’s what emoticons try to remedy but do a very poor job of addressing. Email and other forms of cyber communication are harsh forms of communicating simply because they do not allow for eye contact and exchange of emotions through facial expression and body language.
In any conversation between adult there are rules for civil discourse that most of us respect regardless of the relationships we’re in. Moreover, because we are human we do tend to soften harsh words with eyes, face and body.
Hindsight is frequently accurate. In a situation like the one described the best way to go would have been exactly a face-to-face meeting between the parties with a professional mediator present. One of the first rules of engagement both parties ought to have considered consenting to should have been a publication ban, until the negotiations had come to and end and a conclusion had been reached.
The cyber world is a world where harsh communication is the status quo so I’m considering keeping my helmet on and my face shield down, until the fact that I had the audacity as a newbie, to leave a comment on Robert’s blog becomes very old news. 😀
P.S. Robert please forgive me for submitting twice. I have a visual impairment and I discovered typos much to my chagrin after i clicked submit. Hopefully you’ll be kind enough to delete my first comment and this p.s.
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I’m a newbie blogger [said she pulling on her helmet and pulling down her face shield] but it seems to me that we cannot escape the fact that 75-85% of all human communication is conveyed through facial expression and body language. IMO that’s what emoticons try to remedy but do a very poor job of addressing. Email and other forms of cyber communication are harsh forms of communicating simply because they do not allow for eye contact and exchange of emotions through facial expression and body language.
In any conversation between adult there are rules for civil discourse that most of us respect regardless of the relationships we’re in. Moreover, because we are human we do tend to soften harsh words with eyes, face and body.
Hindsight is frequently accurate. In a situation like the one described the best way to go would have been exactly a face-to-face meeting between the parties with a professional mediator present. One of the first rules of engagement both parties ought to have considered consenting to should have been a publication ban, until the negotiations had come to and end and a conclusion had been reached.
The cyber world is a world where harsh communication is the status quo so I’m considering keeping my helmet on and my face shield down, until the fact that I had the audacity as a newbie, to leave a comment on Robert’s blog becomes very old news. 😀
P.S. Robert please forgive me for submitting twice. I have a visual impairment and I discovered typos much to my chagrin after i clicked submit. Hopefully you’ll be kind enough to delete my first comment and this p.s.
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As a manager I have been struck with the realization that all of our new recruiters have lived their entire lives having been raised on IM’s, Emails, and text messaging. What I had always thought was common practice was to them, alien: Good news can be delievered via email, but never bad news. Always voice or in-person for bad news.
Its amazing how with some people this simple rule never takes hold. In a business setting, it can be lethal.
In recruiting (as in any business), its the human touch that gets you the hire. Recruiters who rely on email are often far behind the curve compared to the ones who pick up the phone and call.
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As a manager I have been struck with the realization that all of our new recruiters have lived their entire lives having been raised on IM’s, Emails, and text messaging. What I had always thought was common practice was to them, alien: Good news can be delievered via email, but never bad news. Always voice or in-person for bad news.
Its amazing how with some people this simple rule never takes hold. In a business setting, it can be lethal.
In recruiting (as in any business), its the human touch that gets you the hire. Recruiters who rely on email are often far behind the curve compared to the ones who pick up the phone and call.
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Half of all email, is misinterpreted, according to a study by Journal of Personality and Social Psychology…
http://gsbwww.uchicago.edu/fac/nicholas.epley/EpleyKruger.pdf
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Half of all email, is misinterpreted, according to a study by Journal of Personality and Social Psychology…
http://gsbwww.uchicago.edu/fac/nicholas.epley/EpleyKruger.pdf
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Half of all email, is misinterpreted, according to a study by Journal of Personality and Social Psychology…
http://gsbwww.uchicago.edu/fac/nicholas.epley/EpleyKruger.pdf
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Emailing and IM has really killed human interaction. Its time we get up and talk to people rather than IM from 1 desk to the other in the same office.
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Emailing and IM has really killed human interaction. Its time we get up and talk to people rather than IM from 1 desk to the other in the same office.
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I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
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I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
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I definitely agree, face to face (or phone) is the best. The only drawback is if you want to have a record of what was said later on.
In terms of personal relationships though, I think IM is dangerous for any type of important news or conversation. It’s too hard to convey emotion and “bad news” statements can feel very cold and detached when received through IM. Plus, there is always the problem of overanalyzing what has been said in an email or message, when we have the chance to reread it over and over.
When i get tempted to send a pissed off email, I write it and then save it as a draft before pressing send. I always end up rephrasing it or not sending it at all when I’ve had the chance to calm down.
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There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
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There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
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There should a box to check off in our emails that says “is this bad news?” Then if you check it off, your email should stop you from sending it, and save it as a draft (or something else to slow us down) 🙂
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Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
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Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
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Greetings,
I dispute the IM thing somewhat; my wife and I use an IM variant (it’s complex, we talk on a TinyMU*) all the time, to stay in touch during the day. It’s like I have an easy way to talk to her at nearly any moment, and give (and get) virtual kisses in the midst of the workday, which is wonderful. (We are newlyweds, ~6 months now, which might be a factor. 😉 )
We would NEVER argue over IM, though. If anything became much more serious than what I should pick up from the store on the way home, we can set it aside and talk when we’re both home.
We also don’t IM each other at home, period. Hard and fast rule, born out of watching a our dear friends marriage dissolve, as the two of them sat, opposite ends of the couch, focused on their laptops, talking via IM only, even fighting online.
One bad example, right in your face, does wonders for teaching what not to do.
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I think that we can all learn a bunch from what is going on now. Whether it be an e-mail we send for business or personal issues. I am trying right now to not be impatient and send out e-mails on my little start up until it is completely figured out. But, I must say it is hard…….
Jeff
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I think that we can all learn a bunch from what is going on now. Whether it be an e-mail we send for business or personal issues. I am trying right now to not be impatient and send out e-mails on my little start up until it is completely figured out. But, I must say it is hard…….
Jeff
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>getting laid off during the .com bust in 2000/2003.
>amazed when people told me “I learned it through an email.”
yeh robert you hit the nail on the head here.
i had this happen and it made it so much worse than it had to be. it kind of destroys your trust in people for a while — makes them seem like inhuman monsters.
bad news is best in person. group decisions also are better made over a phone call (and followed up with a confirming email).
getting right into your blog again! keep up the honesty!
lb
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>getting laid off during the .com bust in 2000/2003.
>amazed when people told me “I learned it through an email.”
yeh robert you hit the nail on the head here.
i had this happen and it made it so much worse than it had to be. it kind of destroys your trust in people for a while — makes them seem like inhuman monsters.
bad news is best in person. group decisions also are better made over a phone call (and followed up with a confirming email).
getting right into your blog again! keep up the honesty!
lb
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Put your phone number in your email .signature — make it a zero-click task for people to take the conversation to phone if something rubs them the wrong way.
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Put your phone number in your email .signature — make it a zero-click task for people to take the conversation to phone if something rubs them the wrong way.
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Forget bad news over email. A friend of mine was fired from a large, well-known tech company (along with several hundred others) by SMS text message on a Sunday. How sad is that?
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Forget bad news over email. A friend of mine was fired from a large, well-known tech company (along with several hundred others) by SMS text message on a Sunday. How sad is that?
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Best in person if possible. Bad news of email and IM sucks pretty bad.
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Best in person if possible. Bad news of email and IM sucks pretty bad.
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Very True. Any special news (Good or bad) need to communicated face to face never through email. It is demeaning and disrepectful.
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Very True. Any special news (Good or bad) need to communicated face to face never through email. It is demeaning and disrepectful.
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I think it depends on how well people communicate in written communication via email, etc. Of course, if one person tends to get angry in person, they will also get angry by reading an email. If they’re both willing to work things out then even if an email is misunderstood, it can be discussed and worked out until everyone understands. It depends on the person.
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I think it depends on how well people communicate in written communication via email, etc. Of course, if one person tends to get angry in person, they will also get angry by reading an email. If they’re both willing to work things out then even if an email is misunderstood, it can be discussed and worked out until everyone understands. It depends on the person.
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im verry happy for i sending this little quitions for given me som dailog about responding and geing bad and good news think for all
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im verry happy for i sending this little quitions for given me som dailog about responding and geing bad and good news think for all
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